I'm Crawling Right Now

Crawl (Carry Me Through)

Rock What You Got
by Superchick

How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don’t know what to do
I bend, but don’t break
Somehow I’ll get through
Cause I have You

And if I had to crawl
Well You’d crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is You see me through

O Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears
When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You’ll find me here

When everything I was is lost
I have forgot, but You have not
When I am lost, You have not lost me
You have not lost me

Behind the Song:
"One critic wrote the following about our album, Beauty from Pain:

“The songwriting seems more vapid, despite the personalized approach, with most songs merely offering a message of ‘we all hurt, but hold on because it’ll get better.’”

I think this critic missed the second half of the message: “Hold on, it will get better. You are not alone, God is with you.” This is not vapid; there is a place below bottom where that is the only message that makes any sense. A friend called me to let me know about his baby birth, but as he asked me to pray, he choked up, unable to get the words out to tell me that his son was born with Down syndrome. I’ve watched mute and helpless while friends have lost family members to cancer. I’ve personally been to the dark place where suicide seems like the only way out. In those times, when our hearts have broken and are overflowing with grief, we don’t need clever theology or smart slogans. All we need is the fundamental core truth of it all...that God has not left us - and though we may have lost hope and lost ourselves and lost everything, He has not lost us.

“How long, O Lord, will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all day?” Psalm 13:1-2" - Max Hsu (Superchick)

Letting Go Gives a Better Grip

Sometimes we as humans are too hard on ourselves. I am a pretty good example. For instance, I preached on Sunday and I don't think I did a very good job on delivery. (If you were there, you can agree.) However, maybe instead of always viewing things as a failure (which I would probably classify Sunday as), perhaps I should try to think of it more as there was something victorious about it. You see, perhaps it's hindsight. Anyway, my sermon was about death. I literally told my entire church body that they were not just going to die, but are all in the processing of dying right now. Having a healthy person hear that just might make them think a little bit more, but then odds are they will go on to have a normal week, without giving death much of a thought. However, to the person with say, cancer, it might leave more of an impression, in fact, it might even make them a little angry or offended. I mean, they are really dying. (Let's not get technical.) There's a women in my church that was in church on Sunday, listening to my sermon. She is a women with cancer. She also happens to go to coffee where my grandma hangs out (and by hang out, I mean she sits around with other old people and drinks coffee and gossips). She told my grandma that I did a great job and according to my grandma, she was giving me rave reviews. So, in failures, perhaps I should think that maybe my sermon wasn't delivered all that well, but maybe it reached someone. I shouldn't about how much it annoyed me that a certain person couldn't stop laughing, I should think that maybe one thing I said made them realize that they will die, but salvation is possible. Better yet, maybe I should think that it isn't about anything I can do or say, but it's only about how much more God can do.

On the Bright Side

Sometimes, all I seem to think about is the depressing side of things, so maybe I should make a list (I do really like, or "lunch" lists) of happy things:

1. I have really great friends that are there for me and can tell when things aren't totally right and that always try to help
2. I have a job and even though most of the time, I am tired and don't really want to go to work, I do enjoy the residents. I mean where else can you find someone that likes onions on her cottage cheese and someone who always wants toast (and I know what kind of bread she likes better)
3. My grades in high school are pretty good (not counting Senior Math, that's not going so well), so I actually don't have that bad of GPA, for only having 5 high school classes
4. I have a kitten on my lap right now and she is so adorable
5. I have a mother who loves and supports me and a brother who still makes me laugh
6. I am alive and even though I am dying, I have a Savior who makes dying actually a happy thing
   

College Choices are Making Me Have an Inability to Breath

It was a weird thing that happened yesterday. I was driving home from Aberdeen with my mother (we had just taken Kyle back to college) and so my mother and I were talking about what I am going to do for college. Then I had a really hard time breathing. It felt like my throat was closing up. It was really creepy. That plus I was starting to cry probably made for not ideal driving conditions. But why such not happy reactions when talking about my college plans? Because I have no idea what I am going to do for sure.

I preached the morning service yesterday. I can't say that I actually did that well. After all, I was preaching on death and one congregation member couldn't stop laughing. Anyway, it wasn't the best job I have ever done. But, it is over now.

I woke up late this morning and had a really horrible dream. Like, I woke up and tears were still coming down my face. That's the kind of horrible it was.

Anyway, I should go get ready for school, because apparently being on time is an important thing.

Death and Ice Cream Trucks

I figured out how to wake up when my alarm goes off, instead of my normal sleeping a half hour past my alarm. All I need to do is just accidentally shut my kitten in my room for the entire night. That's sad that I didn't realize she was in my room until 6:00, but I am sure most of the night she was just sleeping under my bed. She got shots yesterday and that really wore her out. Of course, I think she has more energy now, because she's currently playing with my headphones.

I had a weird dream last night. Not that I am going to tell you all about it, but I will say that it involved a prayer meeting and an ice cream truck that turned into an ice cream cart when it came closer. (And the ice cream was free, but I was encouraged to get a $5 donation to some couple... which may mean that I have been involved in too many fundraisers in my day that I am subconsciously dreaming about this.)

Anyway, right now, I will have to go get ready for the day, but I am slowly getting my sermon together, so I have a question for you all:

What do you know about death?

(P.S. That reminds me of John's little song in the tune of Iron Man and it goes like, "I am the ice cream man, running over little kids with my van." Sorry, I just thought of that. Answer my question now.)

Missing Trailer

Missing Trailer from Chase Johnson on Vimeo.

I Vote Yes to Skirts

"Let it be known, far and wide- You are completely and utterly free to wear skirts! I give you full permission to be as feminine and attractive as you like! [...] There’s something about them, that delightful thrill you get when it’s swishing around your calves, or when the man nearby recognizes the fact that you are a lady and kindly opens the door for you, or when you feel so flattered by it’s graceful lines…it’s always fitting, always appropriate." -Christa Taylor [source]

I love skirts and I totally find it tragic that no one seems to just wear skirts casually. I did stats and was a student manager for the girls' basketball team last year just so I could dress up for school. (You see, you dress up on game days.) I absolutely hate basketball and don't really enjoy doing the stats, but getting to dress up made it all worth it. Now, this year, since you couldn't possibly pay me enough to do stats again, I won't have a reason to dress up. However, I really am a fan of skirts. They make me super happy. And so, I vote yes... to skirts.

I Make Decisions Like a Donkey Would

I can't make decisions. In fact, I am so bad, that I am a lot like a donkey.

"A hungry donkey approaches a barn one day looking for hay and discovers two haystacks of identical size at the two opposite ends of the barn. The donkey stands in the middle of the barn between the two haystacks, not knowing which to select. Hours go by, but he still can't make up his mind. Unable to decide, the donkey eventually dies of starvation." -[source]

I did learn about this donkey thing in Biology, which is why, I enjoy that class, even though I have never actually done well in science ever.

Speaking of that class today, it is Homecoming and so today is Mix-Match Day and I have to go to the college today looking like a total retard in mix-matched clothes.