I'm Bringing a Story from my Freshman Year Out of the Grave

Yes, this is from my freshman year of high school, wasn't I clever?

The Mystery of the Missing Socks

There are plenty of mornings in which you push the snooze button several times and when the alarm clock goes off for the fifth time, you still don’t want to move. However, this morning is not one of those mornings. In fact, this morning is quite the opposite. This morning the sun wakes you up and you smile as you slowly get out of your bed. After you’ve recovered from your sleepy state, you’re ready to take on the world. Perhaps with the assistance of a cup of coffee or a splash of cold water in your face, but you’re ready to take on the world nonetheless. There’s no doubt you’ve woken up on the right side of the bed. Nothing can bring you down from this high. Then, the unthinkable occurs. Your sock drawer is stuck. It requires a little more effort than usual to open it, but since your muscles are like that of a superhuman, you’re able to get that sock drawer open. Now, right in front of you are socks upon socks upon socks. You pick up a sock. Depending on your personality, you may smell it or just examine it closely until you come to the conclusion that this is a decent enough sock to adorn your foot. So, you go looking for its mate. After several minutes, you realize that it’s partner is no where to be found. You’ve found yet another sock that does not belong to any other.

What has happened to this other sock? That is a question scholars have asked more than “which came first, the chicken or the egg?” That’s a question that, though it is hard, they are able to form theories about it and are able to contemplate. On the other hand, no mastermind is able to answer the question or find that partner less sock. Perhaps the answer will continue to go unanswered. Perhaps, I will make known the truth by the time this story comes to an end. I will not tell you if I’ve chosen the latter. Perhaps, I may indeed dive into a deep conversation on something completely irrelevant.

Almost everyone has had the disappointment of losing a sock while doing the laundry. It’s truly a mystery within itself. Yet sometimes the mystery is not losing the sock. Sometimes the mystery is finding the sock somewhere else. Every now and then you go back to your closet and realize it was your mistake and that the sock just somehow jumped out of the laundry basket onto the floor. However, there’s nothing quite like putting on a sweater only to have someone else point out that there a sock stuck to the back of it.

Who is to blame for this unexplainable phenomenon? A number of people think that they have discovered the solution. Some people think that they can simply blame the dryer. They say that during the drying cycle, it gets sucked up in the dryer vent. Still some think that it’s during the washing that the washing machine eats the socks. Perhaps department stores hire secret agents to come and steal your socks, so you need more socks and where else to go but their department store? This would not surprise me. Department stores have been trying to take your money for centuries. Now, let’s focus on something more serious. Picture a pair of socks that you have forgotten about, due to the fact that they are ugly or maybe they are Christmas socks that you’d assume people would think would be odd to wear in March. You finally discover once again that they are in the back of your sock drawer. You go to take them out, only to find that one of the socks is no longer there. Perchance the sock didn’t go anywhere. It could have spontaneously combusted without notice. Maybe it’s even still there, it has just somehow put its cloaking device on so it’s invisible. There are several things that could be. Thinking of all the possibilities can be mind-boggling.

I am confident in my knowledge to boldly say that the answer is none of the above. The truth is sock gnomes. You may now currently have a puzzled look on your face and you may be filled with confusion. Nevertheless, I am not joking and I am not kidding. Gnomes, those pointy-red hat wearing lawn ornaments, are stealing your socks. They are sick and tired of being displayed in your lawn, having to endure all kinds of torturous weather. They’ve even started a website declaring that they need freedom. They are seeking revenge on you. Furthermore, they know nothing else bothers you quite as much as finding one sock and not the other. Since they are quick creatures, they come into your house and are able to take your sock out of the dryer. You may be thinking that, “I do not have a gnome in my yard.” Let me tell you, that does not matter. Sock gnomes work together to conquer everyone’s laundry. Sock gnomes devise evil plans and make detailed maps. They store them in a location that I prefer not to disclose because if I were to tell you every detail of their genius, they would come and I would wake up the next morning with an empty sock drawer. As a result, I must inform you that you never heard this from me.

Written by Andra Lauren