No Going Back

I didn't want to go to TBC because I really did feel that only losers stay home and go to college. But, honestly, I have since realized that isn't true. I honestly wish I could just go to TBC to start off with. However, I have also since really locked in MNU, so there is no going back. I am trying to tell myself to think positive and it is just fear of the unknown that is keeping me afraid of going over nine hours away for college. I am trying to tell myself that everything will work out, it won't be so bad and I will actually enjoy it. However, it seems that the part of my mind that is negative wins out over my positive self a lot more often than not. Nine hours is a really long drive. What was I thinking? But what I think makes it the most difficult for me to get excited is that I wanted to go to MNU ever since I was in the 8th grade. But now, I can't remember why I wanted to go there so badly. I really feel like I have lost sight of God's plan for me and my life. I have no idea what I want to actually get a degree in and I have no idea what God wants me to do. I always felt like I knew before and I always worked hard to get there. For years, I wanted to become a youth pastor. But I don't know if it is part of growing up or being practical that made me think that odds are I would make an awful youth pastor. Now I have preached in front of my church and other churches before and when I am on stage or behind a pulpit, I feel like that is exactly where I am supposed to be. However, I highly doubt I could ever pastor a church because I don't really think I could lead a flock in the right direction.

So, those are some of my fears and I really hope I will get to MNU (in less than a month) and realize that everything will be alright. But for now, I am really just afraid.

As for the moment, I am still inbetween the jump and where I'm landing, so we will see how things go.