Fail or Suck

April: "You suck at life."

Me: "Nate, was that your [U.S. History tic-tac-toe] question?"
Nate: "Yeah."
Me: "You fail at life."

April (to me): "Annie, would you rather suck at life or fail at life?"

My answer: I would rather suck at life, because if you fail at life then that's it for you. You fail and then you wait to die. Whereas sucking leaves room for improvement. If you suck, that means you are still trying and aren't very good, but you haven't given up completely. You fail at life, you might as well just give up. This is why I would rather suck at life than fail at life.

Folks, please don't take me seriously. I am a flippant person. Just ask my 9th grade English teacher. She taught me the word flippant just by describing me with the word.

Football and Thursdays

Ah, Thursday. I used to really dislike Thursdays, because a) nothing really ever happened on Thursdays (Monday began the week, Tuesday I would avoid the world, Wednesday was youth group, Friday was Friday, Saturday was weekend, Sunday was church, but Thursday? Nothing) and because b) Thursday seemed to hate me; things always went wrong on Thursday. However, since I started my college class (which is at 8:00, so I have to get done earlier), I have come to value Thursday as the day I don't have to be in a hurry to get done. I must say, I enjoy it throughly. However, I find April and I have trouble remembering what day it is...

Last week Thursday:
April: I was talking to my cousin and I told her it was Tuesday and she said it wasn't Tuesday.
Me: Yeah, April, it's not Tuesday, it's Wednesday.
Yes, we were both completely serious. Of course, we figured it out and burst out laughing.

Another time a while ago, but it was a Tuesday and Mr. Ulmer hadn't gotten the newspapers yet.
April: There are no Wednesday papers.
Me: Yeah, there are. Taylor, what paper are you reading?
Taylor lifts up the paper.
Me: See April?
April: It's Tuesday, that's the Tuesday paper.

Maybe today I will really realize it is Thursday. There is a girl's basketball game tonight. It's also Opposite Sex day. I am wearing a vest and a tie. However, the vest is really a girl's vest and the tie is actually mine, but whatever. I am sure I will be under dressed compared to everyone else. Trust me, there will be a lot of guy's in dresses. It will be sick and wrong, I guarantee. Yeah, something to look forward to. Anyway, we made our picks for the Super Bowl in U.S. History, and I picked the Giants to win, because no one else did. Also, Michael made us pick other weird stuff. Like, I picked MVP would be Ely Manning (even though I thought his name was Ian), and I picked that Tom Brady would have 312 running yards or whatever they are called (I picked 312 because Nate picked 311) and I said that the Patriots would call the first timeout at 4:12 (I think that's what I said) in the first quarter. Yeah. So, go Giants I guess. I really couldn't care less. At least I learned from last time.

Michael was putting the picks up for the game before, that qualified the teams to go to the Super Bowl and he wrote it like, "Chargers @ N.E." and "NY Giants @ Green Bay." And I asked Michael, "Wait, how do you know who they are playing?" Yep. I should be disowned from my class.

I Have Something to Say

Jesus loves you a whole bunch.

I Will Sing

I will sing, I will sing a song unto the Lord.
Alleluia, glory to the Lord

Alleluia, alleluia, glory to the Lord.
Alleluia, glory to the Lord.

We will come, we will come as one before the Lord.
Alleluia, glory to the Lord.

If the Son, if the Son shall make you free
You shall be free indeed.

They that sow in tears shall reap in joy
Alleluia, glory to the Lord.

Ev'ry knee shall bow, ev'ry tongue confess.
That Jesus Christ is Lord.

In His name, in His name we have the victory.
Alleluia, glory to the Lord.

Off the Wall

This will be like thought vomit. Closely related to word vomit, but not, because you can't hear my voice and I am typing out all my thoughts. I apologize, that was very unladylike terminology. I have a lot slushing around inside my head and I just wanted to get some of it out.

I recently had a post about how I drive slow. I was just listening to my ipod and realized that usually I can still hear people talk to me while my headphones are in, because I really don't listen to music that loud. Which lead me to thinking that maybe I am like vanilla pudding. That is to say, safe. Earlier I mentioned pudding being my safe choice when I was talking about making decisions (also, more and more I am happy with my decision, this time I can say that truthfully, instead of before when I would have had to say I am getting better at convincing myself I made the right choice). Vanilla pudding is boring and safe. I realize that is probably me. I don't really take risks. I do a lot of stupid things, but I don't listen to my ipod too loud. I never really ran with scissors, even though I run through the hall with a piece of tape and paper, which ended up getting stuck to the wallpaper and ripping some wallpaper off the wall (but my brother didn't get blamed, though it was mainly his fault; I thought the baby of the family never got blamed, I always got blamed--but that's an entirely different story).

I am only sixteen. I have a whole life of mistakes to make. I mean, like, I think some things are the end of the world, but they are really not. I will get over it eventually. In the moment, I don't think things through as much as I should because I'm all like, "oh, seriousness...this is my life, blah, blah," whatever you get the point. I know nothing of love. I know nothing of real pain. I know nothing of the harshness that really exists. I think the world is as big as I am, but it's so much bigger. No duh, but sometimes I have this mind set that the world is much smaller. Like, other countries not having freezers... even though right now, outside is like a very cold freezer, but that's just North Dakota. I don't know. I have too many thoughts right now that I am surprise I'm not like jumping off the walls or something.

I don't believe in regrets, but there are so many people I wish I could go back in time and unhurt. Like I have this one person in mind, I still see him every month or so, but we are not nearly as good of friends as we used to be and it makes me really sad. I know he said that we don't have to talk as much as we used to in order to still be friends, but I know I hurt him and I know he's moved past it, but I wish I could have made different choices and go back and unhurt him. I feel horrible. It was a long time ago I know, but it doesn't matter. I was a jerk and I don't forgive myself for it. Now I'm crying.

I apologize so much. I cry so much. I hate it how every time I cry I remember the times both my parents told me to stop crying because it wasn't any reason to cry. I just want to cry, okay? I just want to cry and cry and cry. Thinking of how I can't save the world and I have no world vision. Thinking of April telling me about finding that cat frozen to death. Thinking about death. Thinking about hurt. Thinking about so many things. I should stop crying. This is no reason to cry. I'm too old to cry like this. When does the growing up happen? I just want to cry some more. I feel immature. I'm still crying. I know I can't quit. I know I won't quit. I know I don't quit. I am trying to be strong, but I'm not. I'm not at all. I know I need God. I know I need to give Him all these thoughts of mine. It's not easy letting go.

Sorry, that was off the wall kind of.

Roads and Letting God Decide

It's weird to consider, but five years ago I never thought I'd be where I am. If not for God, I would not be here. Especially lately, I've been thinking... Pastor has this big plan for my life; I know his does. Which is okay, it's even okay that Pastor asks me to pray all the time. I understand that since receiving my local minister's license, I know that a lot is to be expected from me and part of me is just waiting for me to let everyone down. I'm waiting for myself to just screw up royally. I know that's not good. I need to focus on what God's will for my life is and forget what everyone else thinks I need to be doing. It's all about God. If not for God, I would not be here. If not for God, I would have no purpose in life at all. I don't know all the roads in the future, but I know I need to follow God. Give up my plans, give up my ten-year life plans, and give it all to God.

Something Changed

"Something changed inside me broke wide open all spilled out"
-Sara Groves, Something Changed

"I pray for an idea
and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave"
-Sara Groves, The Long Defeat

My mom and I just got done watching Nomad, Sara Groves's documentary-like movie. If you have never seen it, I highly highly highly recommend it. My mom and I were both sitting there bawling our eyes out for one of the parts. It made it really think. It was really something to not only chew on, but it opened my eyes. There's just something about seeing something, or hearing something, or reading something, that when it changes you... you know that you will never be the same. God created us to be part of His kingdom and when we accept Jesus into our lives, we have a responsibly to help and seek God's kingdom. If we aren't worried about the salvation of others, then we should be worried that we ourselves aren't really saved. I know, that's probably harsh, but it's something my Pastor as well as Pastor Jeremy have been saying. We're having an evangelism course at our church and I'm going to South Africa next summer. There was just a point in my life where something changed and I'm never going back to the way I was before. Words can't even describe that change already inside of me and changes I hope that will continue to occur. I want God to just take every part of me and change it. I want to be used for God and part of this amazing kingdom. (P.S. The cold winterly winds are blowing like crazy outside... perhaps it's the wind of change blowing wild and free?)

"Gonna raise my voice like thunder
And leave the world in wonder of the change
The change inside of me
And I will never stop believing
That you are reason for the change
The change inside of me"
-MercyMe, The Change Inside of Me

"That's a little stone that's a little mortar
That's a little seed that's a little water
In the hearts of the sons and the daughters
The kingdom's coming"
-Sara Groves, Kingdom Comes

Irish Annie

Day One of Stereotype Week: Successful
Story time: The hat I am wearing was left at the bowling alley... and then the old guy that left it there died. Depressing, but when I asked Trevor if he had an old guy golf hat, apparently Dick had this very hat in mind. Plus it says "woven in Ireland" on the tag. Ten points for hat and bowling alleys and friends in bowling alleys, indeed. (P.S. Logan told me that I wear my hat like Fergie. That made me giggle.)

I Drive Slow

On Saturday my friend, Krista, told me that I drive slow. That didn't bother so much as it made me think about my driving. I don't know why. Maybe because I have had my license for two years and three days. Ha, ha. However, I think I am a very safe driver. Most of the times I am with my mom so I make a little more sure that I'm driving the speed limit. I think that I drive as though I will not be pulled over. I drive slower in the winter, due to it being cold and not knowing if the roads will be slippery. I drive assuming everyone else on the road doesn't have a clue what they're doing (or "defensively"). A while ago my friend, Joshua, told me that he had been thinking about how breaking the speed limit was really like breaking the law and even though everybody does it, he said he had been feeling really convicted about it. I first got defensive when he told me, "I am only driving a couple miles over." It wasn't until yesterday I really realized what he meant and it made me alright with the fact that I'm probably a slower driver.

Other than that, happiness has been on my mind. Like what makes a person happy? I always thought happiness was a choice. That you can choose to be happy about something, no matter what situation you are in. Perhaps it's not always the situation, but you can find something in your life to be happy about. I told my friend that and he said, "Well, that's your opinion." Is happiness one of those things were you can have an opinion? On Friday my English teacher asked us all to write a journal entry on what we think it means to be happy, what makes someone happy and the like. I said in my entry that things cannot make you happy. You will never have the latest and the greatest and assuming that possessions make you happy will only leave you unhappy in the end. But, is happiness different for everyone? Or is there just one truth about happiness? I really am not sure, so if someone could share with me their thoughts, I would greatly appreciate it.

I Hate Winter Week

Last week was an alright week. I didn't want to go to any of the three away girl's basketball games, but I did was at least now it's over. I bowled on league Thursday and bowled above my average every game (even if the second game was only a pin over my average). Tuesday was probably the best day because I had nothing going on and just could veg. Wednesday was alright, would have been better if Jeremy didn't tell me what he did, but how do you know what to change if no one tells you? All in all, it was a good week, but now it's over so I can move on.

Now I go to a small school. The amount of high school students (including 7th and 8th) is probably somewhere from 120-140, probably closer to the 120 side. The graduating class this spring will be about 18, give or take the ones who don't graduate in the spring. My class, one of if not the largest, is 32. I go to a small school. And apparently the student council decided one spirit week is not enough. So, we are going to have another... just because we can. Only it will be called, "I Hate Winter Week," because we hate winter. Monday is Scottish/Irish Day, Tuesday is Roman Toga Day, Wednesday is Wild West Day, Thursday is Opposite Sex Day, Friday is Hillbilly Day, and Saturday is the Hawaiian Dance. So what we should really call it is "Stereotype Week," because that's really all spirit weeks do. It's just a bunch of stereotypes. Tell me one person that won't be wearing green or plaid to be Irish or Scottish. Show me one person that won't be wearing a bed sheet wrapped around them as if it were a toga. Tell me one person that's not going to wear a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, or plaid and those big belt buckles. Tell me one person that won't be wearing a dress (if they are a boy dressing like a girl) or jeans that hang down or a tie (if they are a girl dressing like a boy). Friday there will be rope as belts, hair in pigtails, and grubby clothes. Saturday... better get out those leis and Hawaiian shirts. Ah, stereotype week, where we do nothing but enjoy stereotyping groups of people. The joys of high school.

Tired... But Not

This will not be profound at all, but here we go. Do you ever have those times where you're tired, but you're not really tired and you're actually just hyper, but not really? Ha, ha. Let's just see how much sense I can make. But you know, when it's late, so you're tired, but you're not tired enough to actually go to sleep, like you're awake enough to not be tired enough to sleep. I think this is just proving I'm crazy and I'm really actually quite tired. But you know what I mean. You've been there, I know it. Well, that's how I'm right now. I'm tired, but not tired enough to sleep. I'm awake, but not awake enough to not be talking about how tired I am.

I have other stuff to say, but I'm too tired/awake to say it all. Here's a picture to make up for it:

Dear You

P.S.

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days. You know, one of those days were the only thing you can really say about it was that it was one of those days. It had good, it had bad. It had both, though, so it's hard to tell if today was worse or better. I guess it matters then what you're comparing it to. But it was one of those days. You know, the days were you just have to go out of your way to initialize the "those."

I found out a lot of things. Most things I already knew and just needed to be reminded. Like that you should only trust the friends who were there for you and drink hot chocolate and ate popcorn with you until your dad came to pick you up. Okay, that's a reference from when I was in like 5th grade, but still. The lesson is the same. You will always have people talk about you behind your back. It will always happen. However, there's still one or two friends that are watching your six. You know, the ones that know your I'm-about-to-cry face, or your I got Sixlets-because-I-know-you-love-them friends, you know those I'll-tell-you-suck-at-life-because-I-know-you'll-laugh-off kind of friends. Those I'm-not-making-fun-of-you-I'm-just-laughing-at-you-because-you-
dropped-your-lemon-square-and-laugh-like-you-sound-like-you're-
hiccuping friends. Those I'm-stubborn-and-won't-let-you-carry-your-own-guitar friends. Those are the friends.

As for making decisions, always go for the person you can depend on. I'm not saying to not take risks. I'm saying that in the end, you'll be glad you didn't have to spend all your time worrying about whether or not you could depend on this person. You'll think you can depend on them, and their words seems to nice to hear, but when there's more times than not that they let you down, always go for the comfort of safe pudding.

I'm finding out more about myself. I'm finding that my expressions can be read into and even though I do not mean to at all, I may seem like I don't like certain people. I was talking to Jeremy and was like, "I can handle all this." He said, "you don't have to." I need to give it all to Jesus and let the opportunities come where I can be shaped and grown. I don't see any growth in me. I told someone not too long ago that I don't care. That I didn't care if he drank or partied. That I don't care, because when you care that's when you get hurt. I'm sorry I can't be the person that doesn't care. I am going to get hurt. It's the hurt than makes your skin grow back tougher. I don't mean tough on the outside. I don't mean tough and hardened. I mean strong enough to face each day. Strong enough to admit it's all because of Jesus. It's the broken pieces we need so we can give God the chance to put us back together the way He wants us. It's the hurt than requires healing and it's the healing that only comes from Jesus. So bring the pain, and bring the rain.

Less of me, more of Jesus. It takes one of those days so that at the end of the day, I can be on my knees.

"Been a hard one
Been a bad one
Been a tough one
Been a sad one
It's been just one of those days
That keeps chipping away at my heart"
-Mandisa, Only the World

Yummiest Thing in the World

While I'm against that whole buying friendship thing, I would gladly accept some Sixlets if someone were to buy them for me. They would make me happy inside:You know you want to. Peer pressure is positive if it involves buying Annie Sixlets!

New Deal, Gains and some Losses

"You're sorry
You said it yourself and we believe you
(No we really do!)"
-Jonezetta, Backstabber

"It doesn't matter what they say
In the jealous games people play
[...] Pay no mind to what they say
It doesn't matter anyway"
-The Go-Go's, Our Lips Are Sealed

As if the lyrics are no hint to what this post will be about, then I'll just get right to the point. I understand how fun it is to talk to people, and what makes a good conversation better than talking about someone else? I do not, however, understand the necessity for people appearing (I'm saying appearing) to make a point of telling everyone else, except me, even though clearly it's about me. I also do not understand how anyone could think that when you talk, people hear you. So how could it possibly not get around to my ears? Small school, and I still have ears. As to what is being said, it really holds no ground, so keep talking. I'll just get some popcorn, sit back, and not involve myself in all this drama.

I apologize, sometimes I get too sarcastic.

To end on a funny note:

Yesterday, in U.S. History...
Mr. Ulmer: The Effects of the New Deal. What were the gains women had?
Suzy: Gay women?
(Whole class bursts out in laugher, for a) it was quite funny and for b) she doesn't talk much in class, so it was funny having that be the one thing she does say and for c) Mr. Ulmer's next comment.)
Mr. Ulmer: Yeah, the New Deal turned women gay.

Firetrucks and Lessons

Today was funny...

Matthew: Firetrucks are red because that's the way God made them.

Matthew: My hat doesn't have lice, I'm the only one who has worn it.

Ah, quizzing practice is pretty fun.

Cole: [He] just needs to get his poop in a group. (P.S. I know he didn't coin the phrase, but it was just so funny hearing him say it.)

Today, also, brought me a couple lessons that God is trying to teach me and a couple ways of showing me that I need to learn these lessons:

First of all, I need to stop being either in such a hurry when I'm late, or be so stressed out. Even though I ended up being like the third or fourth person there at worship team this morning, I will still all rushing around my house trying to get done on time. I get kind of crazy when I'm hurrying around. So there I was driving through town a little too fast and there is a cat trying to ran across the highway. So, of course, since I would probably cry hysterically if I were to hit a cat, I slow down and the cat made it across. But it made me realize that I just need to slow down a little bit. It's not the end of the world if I'm a little late in getting somewhere, but it would be the end if I were to get in a car accident. Which means I will never ever again attempt to put my shoes on while driving.

Another thing I need to learn is that I need go into every situation with the attitude that's best. Not that attitude that will make me walk away from the situation in a grumpy mood. Sometimes we commit to something and we must do our best. I don't really know how to say it as eloquently as I did this morning, even though I like said the same thing over and over it felt like.

I need to step out of my comfort zone. Or else growth will not happen. I don't want to stay not growthful and immature. I want to grow and learn.

Another Day, Another Million Things to Say

"You play it safe that’s why you’re running away
You play it safe ‘cause you think it’s ok"
-Dizmas, Play It Safe

I would have typed a blog while I was at the bowling alley. However, I couldn't figure out how to connect my laptop to the internet. My laptop is wireless, but I am not good with technology apparently.

Anyway, I was working at the bowling alley tonight and there was a girl's Jr. High basketball party. Actually, all night it was quite busy. There were four guys who didn't know how to keep score, so I added it up for them in the end. And they asked me they could smoke there (I said no) and asked if they could buy alcohol (and even though I know where it is kept, I'm underage to even sell a person alcohol and I do not want to be around them while they are drinking), but overall it was okay. They were nice to me. It was a little weird when the guy said, "Thanks, Darling," after I handed them their score sheet back. There were other people bowling at the time so I wasn't too afraid. Anyway, back to what I was saying about Jr. High girls. It was weird, I felt old. Like I feel like Jr. High was ages and ages ago. It's weird. But I looked at the group of girls. Most were within their group of friends, talking, giggling, and having a good time. There was a really quiet girl, who I felt that I could relate with (even though when I am among my friends, I get louder). There was a girl who lost her virginity in seventh grade. Now I know in today's culture that's not really that surprising, but it's still so sad. That precious gift is gone and she had to give it to someone that was so not worth it. Anyway, watching everybody made me think and I could probably have written about it better if I could have gotten on the internet there. But, no.

And something else, someone always seems to play "She Think My Tractor's Sexy." I absolutely cannot stand that song. I wonder if it gets played as much in other places besides the Midwest. Ah, the joys of living in North Dakota. I hate that song. I hate it more each time I hear it. Since I hear it just about every time someone comes in to go bowling, I hate it an awful lot. Hate is a bad emotion. I very, very strongly dislike it. Very, very, a million very's.

Lane 8 got jammed as well. I got grease on my jeans trying to fix it. I didn't actually get it fixed, though, but I really tried my best.

I have a sore on the bottom of my foot. My mother told my father this. He called me today and asked how I was doing.

Also, thank you for reading this. I appreciate it.

As for my decision, I don't know. As for all I had to do today, well, today is over and I am looking so forward to my head hitting my pillow and sleeping. Tomorrow? Prom dress shopping!

My friend April said something funny today. We were talking about how I am taking the ACT on February 9th and how I wanted to have a book to help me prepare. She told me to just get Acts. Like, from the Bible. It made me giggle. Then she told me a story and I giggled more.

An email I got today; I have good friends:

Annie,

I was just reading on your blog and wanted to send you a quick note.

HAVE A GREAT DAY.

Decisions and Sixlets

I can't decide. I really hate making decisions. But I'm never sure what I really want and I'm always afraid I am making the wrong choice. I don't know what to do.

I don't feel good. I actually feel quite awful, but life still goes on. I still have to go to my 8:00 class, which meets in the library this morning. I actually honestly have never been past the front door of the library at the college. I still have to go to school and finish a project and take a test I didn't study for, and finish I worksheet that I have no clue what I'm doing. I still have to talk to like three people that I do not want to. I have to. I have to. I cannot put it off any longer. I still have to work tonight earlier (like I have to go in before 5:30) because Dick wants to go to the TBC basketball game. At least I like the bowling alley. I do not, however, like not feeling good. I so wish I could just spend tonight sleeping and not getting up and not getting ready and not doing anything at all.

I was allowed yesterday to decide. I still couldn't decide. What is my problem? Why can't I just decide and be happy? I know it's all attitude, whatever I choose, happiness still depends on my going into it with the right attitude. Time is running out. Time is running out. I must decide. It's not that big of deal. So what? I make the wrong decision, it will still be alright. It is fun if I decide it will be. I quit. I can't quit. This isn't fun. I should flip a coin. I'd have to get up to go get a coin.

You know what is my current favorite thing? Sixlets. If someone could explain to me why they are called sixlets when there are five different colors and come in little packets of eight. It was funny. We were standing in the hallway, talking about why they were sixlets, when they come in eight. I was like, "Hey, I have nine!" Krista didn't believe me, so after counting a couple times, my voice seeming to increase in volume each time, she finally believed me after she counted herself. Then I finally got the package open (I have trouble doing that) and... one falls on the floor. Then I was like, "Now I only have eight!"

Weakness

"You know why you are strong? Because look at all of the things that you have been through and you never come to talk to me, when you know you can talk to me about anything and it will be safe. And yes you ask for help and talk with Jeremy sometimes, but you haven't attempted suicide and you continue to keep walking forward. You persevere through it all. When I have watched so many others that don't even have that bad of problems give up and say, 'I am done.' I have been with them when they try to slice their wrists and drown themselves and break their necks. Through your perseverance you will never be weak and you will always be strong." -Bradley, a friend of mine told me this, I added punctuation and capitalization, but it's exactly what my friend said. He probably doesn't want to quote him, but I'm sorry, I appreciate you saying this, because I couldn't see strength in me at all.

I don't see myself at a strong person. I think I'm incredibly weak, more than just if I punched somebody it wouldn't hurt at all. I don't think I've really gone through much of anything. I do know that I'm focused, I know what I'm going to college for and where I'm going, and I'm not going to let anything stop me from achieving that and doing my best. I do know that if I have any strength at all... it's not me. The only strength I may have, I have only because of God. I'm not looking to be strong, because in reality my weakness makes me need God. My weakness keeps me crawling back to God. My weakness keeps my mind in perspective. Maybe it's the weakness that brings me to God is really my strongest quality.

"Every day, I see more of Your greatness.
Every day, I know more of my weakness, Lord.
And I can only hope I'll be changed"
-Tim Hughes, Eyes of My Heart

"You are my strength in weakness be
To find that I could fall
And still Your grace surrounds pursuing
To freely stumble down
I feel Your hands around my heart"
-Jars of Clay, Needful Hands

Yep

I just don't know anymore.

I want to quit.

My mom says I'm too old to cry.

This must be completely trivial.

My Own Blisters... and Coffee

Before I leave the house to go anywhere, I brush my teeth. I brush my teeth a lot. Just yesterday, like four times. Once in the morning before I went to school, then I came home for lunch and before I went back to school I brushed my teeth, then before I left my guitar lesson I brushed my teeth. Then before bed as well. Not that you probably even care.

I had a dream the other day that I was wearing a hat to school and the tag was still on it all day. And no one told me. Then I got mad at all my friends for not telling me. Ha, ha. I dream weird.

Something you may not know about me: I don't like my coffee hot hot. Like, I will wait 15 minutes to drink it after I pour it. Then I am sad that near the end of the cup (which really holds like 2 1/2 cups worth) it's cold. It's a lose-lose situation. My mom thinks I'm silly.

I was just thinking that everything that has happened in my life brought me here. So many things I was so upset about, but it's brought me here. I never thought I'd be here, actually, I don't think I just ever thought about it at all. But, I don't regret anything. That's not easy to say, because I am sure there are things I wish would have gone a little bit different, but all those things helped shaped who I am. I'm still growing. The person I am is still being shaped. God is shaping me. If it wasn't for God, I would be a lot worse off. I'm not saying God makes everything like candy cotton and rainbows, but I'm saying He was there through it all.

Tonight is a basketball game. It's a home game, though, so that's a lot better. I don't really want to take stats, but I said I would in the start of the season, so I will follow through and do stats to the best of my ability. I'm going to take a deep breath, give God all control and not let anything get to me.

"Desperate
We will lift up our hands.
Stronger
We will rise up against.
Freedom
Is a part of us all
its time to let it go."
-The Classic Crime, Blisters and Coffee

There's Too Much on My Mind

"You took your shot, pushed me around
You're never gonna take me down"
-Across the Sky, Masquerade

I don't really know what to say, but only because I have too much that I could say.

I preached last night. I am hoping I can get a video of it. The title of it was "4 Choices to Make in 2008." People told me thank you afterwards, so I suppose I did a good job. I would have done a better job if I weren't so dyslexic and switched Galatians 5:1 to 1:5. Ah, that's embarrassing. Anyway, I think I should seriously be conscious of whether or not I'm practicing what I preach. My dad was there. My mom was talking on the phone with him today and he asked her, "who helped her write it?" Which is retarded, no one helped me write it.

I seriously just want the girl's basketball season to be over. I can't take it. I want it to end. I know that in the grand scheme of things, having to put up with basketball for three months won't be a big deal. So I'm just going to put it until it's over. Then it won't matter. Soon enough it will be over.

I need a prom date. I don't know what to do. Prom can actually be fun and it depends who you go with. I'd have it both ways. I'd gone with someone that I get along with and someone I don't get along with. It's fun when you go with someone who is your friend and you can get along with.

I need to learn how to just deal. I need to remember that some arguments aren't worth it. Rather some people aren't worth arguing with. I should do the mature thing and not make it a bigger deal than it needs to be. God forgives me, so I need to forgive others. No matter how much they could get on my nerves, they really only can get on my nerves if I let them. No matter how many stupid things they say or do, I must have to remember to stay strong. Depend on God, and give Him all control.

So Little Time

I keep realizing that I have more and more to do. I don't know all when I will be able to do everything. I'm not a very good time manager and I'm not very good at balancing everything. I just want to scream. Why am I doing so much? I feel like I don't even have time to breath. I just want to quit, but I can't do that. Ugh.

Caffiene, Routine, and Books

"I was told you are depressed by a little bird
that was severely hurt as it did not notice my window
it just flew wherever the wind blows
as it convulsed on the pavement
it whispered I am hated
your genetic flaws I said say it all
you can't decipher reflections form reality but neither can I"
-PlayRadioPlay, Decipher Reflections From Reality

I shouldn't enjoy that song so much. I don't think you should really enjoy any song with the word "convulsed" in it. But I like it. It took about five listens before I figured what he was saying. But maybe it just took five listens before I actually starting listening.

1/12 is about 8.3%. That being said, I realized something this morning. I have given up pop and don't drink energy drinks. I don't really know if that has made me healthier or anything. I do, however, still drink coffee every morning. I don't really ever feel the effects from caffeine, though. But I was just thinking about it and I used to be really tired during the school day, but I'm not as tired as before. I've yet to accidentally fall asleep. Even during the one movie in Psychology when everyone else in the class fell asleep. I wasn't tired at all. That plus whenever we watch movies I feel like Mr. Ulmer is staring at me, which I doubt it really true. Yay to wakeness and no more pop.

I wake up at 6:00 every morning during the week. Saturday, depending on what's going on, I usually try to sleep in. Sunday I tried to wake up 7:00-7:30. But every weekday, it's 6:00. I don't have terrible waking up. I am having trouble getting used to my new alarm clock, but I set the alarm on my phone to wake up anyway. Lately, my brother (who is supposed to wake up at 5:30) isn't waking up on time which throws my entire morning schedule off. I like my schedule.

Besides that, I need three books for my English class that I do not have and one of them I need by Monday. It will be fun indeed. The books are: MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers (5th Edition) by Joseph Gibaldi, In His Steps by Charles M. Sheldon, and On Writing Well: The Classic Guide to Writing Nonfiction by William Zinsser. So if anyone has any of these and would be kind enough to let me borrow them until I order my own, it would be greatly greatly greatly appreciated.

Also, we had worship team practice last night for the youth. I don't know if it was just because Heather was there, but we actually got a lot done and my ADD didn't get me extremely distracted. Or maybe Jeremy talking to a couple of us was a wake up call. That you should always be focused on worship or something. Like, it's such an amazing thing that we are able to worship our Savior through music and we shouldn't take it for granted, we should take it seriously. And enjoy it, because it's fun.

My mother says I use too many commas. I'm sorry. I use too many commas.

I Quit, Mr. White

Mr. White: I don't want any of this lover's lament crap. I want something peppy, something happy, something up-tempo. I want something snappy.
Jimmy: [smiles and sings] I... I quit... I quit... I quit...
[speaks seriously]
Jimmy: I quit, Mr. White.

From That Thing You Do

Even though Jimmy was my least favorite character in that movie ('cause Guy was of course my favorite), sometimes I can relate. I quit.

I have great friends that fix my typo in my poem or dream about my pantry. I also have friends who love drama. But I'm kinda crazy sometimes, so maybe the mix of friends is good for me? I don't know. I can't handle it. I don't enjoy being crazy. Some people just bring out the crazy in me. I don't particularly enjoy that. I need to just learn to deal. Well, I need to learn how to not be so crazy. I make situations more stressful than they need to me. I make situations uber stressful, therefore, I end up crazy. And you know what? I quit.

Everyone should watch That Thing You Do, if you haven't seen it, borrow it. Actually, let me watch it with you, because I enjoy the movie, so you'll enjoy it more if I'm around. I guarantee. I guarantee so much that I will give you a money back guarantee. Since it won't cost you any money, you will just have wasted your time. But it won't be a waste of time, because a) you'll get to understand any future reference to That Thing You Do b) you'll learn a groovy new song and c) you'll get to spend time with me and I'm pretty much amazing. If you've already seen it, good, I understand why you're my friend. If you haven't seen it, let's change that. I'll bring popcorn.

Mr. White: Any questions? Don't ask. I'm tired of talking to you and I want to sleep.

Well, Might As Well Talk About It Now

Today is the first day of my college class. I'm taking Honors Comp. II at 8:00 in the morning. It's with the same teacher as same semester (last semester I took English Comp. I because it was the only time it fit with my schedule, but I qualified for honors) and it's in the same building, but it's a different room. It's the room across the hall, so I better not forget or else I would look like a dork walking and sitting in the wrong room.

So, this is not something I want to talk about, but I figure I might as well. I want to write about it, so it can kind of get out of my thoughts. As juniors, our class plans prom. So, everybody already has the books with decorations out looking at them and magazines of dresses. Now, it is important to me that I go to prom. I don't have anyone to go with. Going without somebody isn't an option. That would be zero fun. I just want to go with someone who's a friend and who would be fun and not be a bunch of drama. All my classmates that I could go with have already been asked by like four people. I don't know who else to ask. I don't want to ask somebody and have them be like, "prom is lame." Can't they just pretend it's not lame and go with me, because I want someone to go with? I'll look pretty. (No, no dress yet, but I will be getting it.) I don't even care if who I go with is wearing a tux. I just want them to wear black dress pants, a dress shirt, tie and vest... because I like that'd look amazing. Anyway, prom is upsetting and I don't like everyone talking about it nonstop. I'm sad now.

Well, today, I have to find a bottle of iodine. I need some. Anyone got any?

Randomness Tuesday Edition

Here's a couple random things I have been forgetting to write about:

1. Someone put a dead pheasant in our front yard. We know it was someone, because there are footprints in the snow that go up to the pheasant and then stop. We don't, however, know who it was. My brother got rid of the pheasant and put it in a field not too far from our house. But still, that's gross. Who would hate us so much (or just have a twisted enough sense of humor) to put a dead pheasant in our yard?

2. Yesterday, Jeff told me I was smart and cute. Ha, ha.

3. We have to make our own grape soda for science fair. To let people try the stuff we made and the real stuff and see if they can see the difference. Yeah. It's silly. Grapes cost too much.

Don't you love Tuesdays?

Less

I want less of me and more of Jesus.

Just Thinking; I Should Stop Thinking

Do you know what a bad idea is? To take off your finger nail polish and then within the next ten days, bite your fingernail. I mean, I wash my hands afterwards, of course, with GoJo even, but fingernail polish is gross. It smells gross and tastes gross and looks well, actually, blue.

Now I am not writing this next paragraph to get sympathy or to get anyone to be like, "no, Annie, none of that is true, you're amazing." I'm not fishing for compliments here. I am just writing this next paragraph because I'm trying to be completely honest and it's something on my mind lately. I don't have a very good self-esteem. I mean, I know I'm always like, "Oooh, I'm pretty," but really. I can say more things that I don't like about myself and my appearance than things that I do like. I realized that's probably normal and I probably have a terrific self-esteem compared to other people, but when I look in the mirror, I don't really like myself all too much. Anyway, there was a secret on PostSecret, that said, "I think that if I were less attractive, I'd have a better sense of who I really was." Well, in response to that, was said: "Believe me, being less attractive won't give you a better sense of yourself. But thank you because you just made me realize that being more attractive won't either." It's weird how I really need to read that today. I probably don't have a very good sense of myself (whatever that means), but appearances aren't that important. I would like to get to the point where I am happy with my appearance, I'm not even close to being there yet, but I'm on my way. I hope.

"Skin is just the surface
The passion and the purpose that's burning down inside us
Is really what we need to see"
-Mandisa, True Beauty

Group Rate on Ritalin Anyone?

Sometimes I really do think I have A.D.D. Sometimes I think my whole youth group does, or maybe I think that just because I think I have A.D.D. I'm not even kidding you.

I know sometimes I'm not as serious as I should be. I think back and feel bad, you know, that I shouldn't always be so silly.

Anyway, I am preaching for the youth service on the 13th. I am trying to think of something to talk about. I thought I had an idea, but I don't think I can talk about the new year after there's been 13 days of the new year, can't I? I don't know. I don't think that I will be able to be able to preach in Africa, I can't even really preach in my own church.

This post seems like a downer, doesn't it? I'm sorry. My hyper-ness died down a little bit.

Better Version of Me for You

Up And Up
by Relient K

Yesterday was not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today with every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history of what's gone wrong
That the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
But I'm finally catching on to it
Yeah the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is where I'll be

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
Yeah I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you

To be prosperous would not require much of me
You see, contentment is all that it entails
To be content with where I am, and getting where I need to be
And moving past the past where I have failed

For you never cease to supply
Me with with what I need for a good life
So when I'm down I'll hold my head up high
Cause you're the reason why, yeah you're why

And We Talked of Politics

Adam, reading the paper: "Hilary came in third [in the Iowa caucuses]."
Me: "That's because she sucks at life."
April: "Just like you."
(Gee, thanks, April. Ha, ha.)

My Mommy Thinks I'm Special

Remove those "I want you to like me" stickers from your forehead, & instead place them where they will truly do the most good... on your mirror.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Used by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech

So don't ever think that you aren't special, God made you--you are more special that you could possibly imagine.

I will get home tonight a lot later than tomorrow. Not only is it in BCN (which, location wise, I only know that it's far away), but it's also a double header, so we will probably have to watch the guy's game as well. Ugh. Long bus rides when it's late is no fun. Double ugh.

However, I am happy that Huckabee won Iowa's party caucuses. That's neat. That at least means he doesn't have to be just forgotten about.

Dear You There,

Dear Reader,

I'm tired. It's late. I just can't wait. To fall asleep. If I don't, I will weep. I'm tired.

The girls lost their basketball game in Edgeley. 49 to 52. I messed up on adding. Mr. Herman was surprisingly helpful. I still feel stupid when I mess up. I hate feeling stupid and I hate messing up.

It's tired. I'm going to bed.

God is good.

I still need a prom date.

The End

P.S. I just wasted your time. You're welcome.

Give Me Jesus

Give Me Jesus
Beyond Measure
by Jeremy Camp

In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise,
In the morning when I rise
Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus
You can have all this world
Just give me Jesus,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus

Behind the Song:
'This is an old hymn that spoke to my heart in huge way. The words are so simple yet very profound in nature. I want everything in my life to always center around Christ. I’m tired of the distractions that lay hold of me sometimes. I just want my first love always to be Jesus. Colossians 3:1-4 states, “Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life in now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, Who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.”' - Jeremy Camp

God is in Control

"'Cause lately it just seems to me
Like we’ve got the letters A.D.D.
Branded into our mentality
We simply can’t focus on anything"
Relient K, Maintain Consciousness

Three Silly Things Before I Get Serious:
1. You can not do air quotes while wearing mittens.
2. I am the best shirt picker outer.
3. I enjoy bursting out in Relient K songs that fit the moment, okay, I enjoy it even when it's totally out of nowhere. (If you would like to share in the joy that is Relient K, just ask and I will make you a CD of all my favorite Relient K songs. I promise. It would actually even be a gift for me to be able to listen to Relient K, so seriously. Just ask, you know you want to. Come on, share in the joy of Relient K.)

That being said, I want to say a couple different things. I can't guarantee that it wouldn't be completely random and out of the blue. Most people can't follow my thought process, so don't feel bad if you can't either. Because you probably can't. Don't waste any time trying, just read the words I say and hopefully it comes together in the end. If it doesn't, don't give up on my blog.

Things can change in a second. It's scary and crazy. It's pretty much life. But, at times you will think you've got things under control and you know what to expect, and then you get a text message and things change. I am not sure how they will change, but be sure of this, things will not be the same. You really can't avoid change, because it's usually change that is other people's change and since they are in your life, their change because change for you, too. Other times it will be change for your life. And you have to make it work. Well, you have to let God work. God is in control.

I am happy that I am single. I couldn't always that sentence honestly, but I have honestly come to the point where I am happy to be single. I thought that once I became content with being single, God would just be nice and put a guy in my life, because it seems guys just somehow unexpectedly came into my life before. Like, I never have been looking for a boyfriend ever. But, I was wrong. I was wrong in that I am happy to be single, and God didn't really put a guy in my life, but has changed my thinking process. I don't want a boyfriend. I am enjoying my singleness. I didn't think it would end up this way. That has good and bad to it. Bad being that, I don't know how I am going to get a prom date. (And prom is important to me, so I would very much like to go, and I would very much like to go with a guy friend. Just a friend. But a guy.) Anyway, I just want to get to know Jesus before I get to know any guy anymore than a friend. I don't know if I am making any sense at all. But, God is in control.

Change of attitude. Come to a place of total worship. Change of attitude. Change of attitude. Change of focus. Not just focus on getting work done and making progress, but making the focus be on Christ and praising Jesus with everything we have. I should be going to bed, but I have to get my thoughts out first. We have worship practice, but we all need a change. I need a change or attitude. I need a passion for worshiping my King, my Savior. I need to learn how to lay it all done at His feet and praise Him with my ability to at least attempt to play guitar. I want my worship to be worship. I want to learn how to focus and not just I have ADD focus, I want to turn my eyes upon Jesus and look full into His wonderful face. I don't know the first step in getting to that place. But, that's where I want to be. God is in control.

God is in control of my life. My future. God is in control of me.

"I throw up my hands
Oh, the impossibilities
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear"
-Relient K, For The Moments I Feel Faint

"I don’t wanna wait another day, right now
Lay it all down, lay it all down
Any other way, we’ll make a change, right now
Lay it all down, lay it all down"
-Sevenglory, Let It All Down

Tollbooths and Disappointment

The books I read when I was younger, rather, the books I was forced to read in school, are some books that I don't think I will ever be able to get out of my head. But that's what makes a good book, isn't it? Mainly the books I remember the most are the ones I really hate while reading them, like The Giver. Lately, I have been thinking about The Phantom Tollbooth. I am not sure why I was thinking of it. I think I probably read it in the 5th grade? I am not sure why I hated it when we read it, but I really hated it. And being that the main thing I remember about it was hating it, I tried to look up the theme of it. Which, I believe, broadly is that you shouldn't take life for granted. You know, the more I read about it, the more I think I'd appreciate it more now that I am older. So, if anyone has a copy that you would let me borrow or want to buy it for me. That'd be terrific.

I must be feeling quite random today, because that kind of came out of nowhere. Anyway, I spent the first day of 2008 being completely lazy and accomplishing nothing. I seriously hope that's not a sign as how I want to spend the rest of the year. I was only being lazy because I have to go back to school today, and I really don't want to. I mean, school is alright and educations are nice, I suppose, but school is too early and I want a longer break. I really don't enjoy learning that much. Besides, you probably learn more out of school than in school. And the things that are interesting to learn probably aren't taught by teachers. Whatever, though. I am getting to a topic that I didn't want to. I am just trying to say that I don't want to go back to school.

Speaking of publishing, it's really sad that the first time I get published, there's a typo. So after I discovered it, I didn't really tell anyone, besides one person. I'm not proud of it and that makes me really sad. I don't know who's to blame, it very easily could just be me, but I am still not happy. I am more disappointed, and sometimes I think disappointment is more sad that just being not happy. I would have posted it on here, but I am not proud of it and don't want anyone to see it.

Also, randomly, I started thinking yesterday. Usually that's bad. Well, it was bad yesterday. Because I started thinking about the future and as much as I so want to get out of this town, I am scared of the future. I know I shouldn't even be so worried and I know I should take one day at a time. I know I should. I'm trying to learn how to.

That's enough randomness for one morning. I hope you have a splendid day.

In 2008

"It's not some resolution made on New Years Day
When love is in our hearts we'll give ourselves away"
-Sevenglory, Let It Be Love

I'm not really much a resolution kind of person. I don't need to be on a diet and I hate exercise. The last time I really remember making a resolution was the year I spent New Year's Eve at Cassie's house and her and Krista wouldn't let me leave the room until I made a resolution. I believe I just resolved to not lie as much or something, because I didn't want to be held captive in the room anymore. I posted this article on my blog last year, and I still think it's a good article. I did somethings that it said, but not all of them.

I am kind of indifferent about new years. Fresh starts are great, but it's just another day. People can't change just because a clock changes or you get a new calendar. You can really only be renewed in Christ, who makes all things new. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" -2 Corinthians 5:17

I don't know if this is a resolution, because I don't want it to be. I don't really like resolutions. But, I want 2008 to be the year that growth happens. That I learn to love others. That I learn how to love others. That I learn how to become closer to God. That I learn how to be in the center of God's will. In 2008, I will not let the devil win. I will let Jesus into every aspect of my life. 2008, I want to let God use me in South Africa, in my town, in my school, within my circle of friends, and outside my circle of friends. I want to let God teach my how to love and forgive like He loves and forgives. In 2008, I want to forget what it behind and strain toward what is ahead. I want to press on toward the goal, to win the prize, for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus (Like Philippians 3:13-14).

In 2008,
I want...
to live...
to shine...
to breathe...
to die...
for the glory of God.