Honesty

"Here in the stillness
where thoughts are born
here in our frailty we're tattered and torn"
-Sara Groves, Honesty

There's something scary about not having a plan. Luckily, I have my schedule for next semester planned out and I know where I am going to college. I just have no idea what I am going to do for the summer. I am honestly stressing out about what I am going to do for a job. Living in a small town doesn't exactly offer many job opportunities. The past couple of days being stuck in the house without a purpose for being awake has been driving me crazy in the point where I am about to be shipped off to the loony bin. It's not like a don't have options, I just am waiting for more information. It's the waiting that is killing me. I don't have a plan right now and it is driving me insane.

Last night, I was really starting to think I was bipolar. I told Josh this and he said, "You could be." I was going back and forth from wanting to scream to wanting to cry within ten minute periods. I am not even sure why. Probably because I found out they weren't hiring anyone else at the nursing home. Or probably because I have no idea what is going to happen and I have no idea what I am going to do.

"here in the hallway
here behind doors
here in the places we wage our private wars"
-Sara Groves, Honesty

Since I am being honest here, we had an Africa meeting on Tuesday. We all gave our testimonies and I realized that I didn't need to type out my testimony because it is such a part of me that I couldn't possibly forget the gist of what happened. I realized something else, though. I was sitting looking around the room and knew that I didn't trust everyone there. I probably only trusted three people and even them not completely. I honestly believe that I have never learned to swim because I get to the point where the person teaching me is holding me up in the water trying to show me that I can float. They are like, "I am holding you, I won't let you fall." I don't believe it, so I have never even been able to float. I don't trust most people. I don't even think I trust anyone completely. I don't know how anyone trusts people. I have always had the mentality that people will always let you down. This isn't easy for me to admit. So many times I have just wanted to call someone and talk or vent, but I don't have anyone that I can just talk to. I don't have anyone that I can just be open with. I can talk to my mother, but I don't even tell her every single thing. I trust her the most, but there are times that I just want to talk to someone else. Everyone, though, is afraid of my tears. I cry a lot. I had been doing really good at not crying, but I guess since I cried so much during graduation, I have forgotten how to hold back the tears. I wanted to vent to someone on Wednesday night, but the only person I had to talk to was going to Indiana at midnight. The people I really wish I could talk to, I just tell them that I am fine. I am not fine. I am not even close to fine. I feel like I am falling apart and I have no idea what to do. It isn't going to be easy for me to push this publish post button. I am preaching Sunday night and I am going to preach something positive, but I don't feel very positive. I want to just break down, but I can't do that. I just don't know how much longer I can pretend like I am fine. But, then again, I don't want to be the person that is always having a problem, because most of the time, I have mostly everything together. I am just not fine right now.