Saturday, July 25, 2009

No Going Back

I didn't want to go to TBC because I really did feel that only losers stay home and go to college. But, honestly, I have since realized that isn't true. I honestly wish I could just go to TBC to start off with. However, I have also since really locked in MNU, so there is no going back. I am trying to tell myself to think positive and it is just fear of the unknown that is keeping me afraid of going over nine hours away for college. I am trying to tell myself that everything will work out, it won't be so bad and I will actually enjoy it. However, it seems that the part of my mind that is negative wins out over my positive self a lot more often than not. Nine hours is a really long drive. What was I thinking? But what I think makes it the most difficult for me to get excited is that I wanted to go to MNU ever since I was in the 8th grade. But now, I can't remember why I wanted to go there so badly. I really feel like I have lost sight of God's plan for me and my life. I have no idea what I want to actually get a degree in and I have no idea what God wants me to do. I always felt like I knew before and I always worked hard to get there. For years, I wanted to become a youth pastor. But I don't know if it is part of growing up or being practical that made me think that odds are I would make an awful youth pastor. Now I have preached in front of my church and other churches before and when I am on stage or behind a pulpit, I feel like that is exactly where I am supposed to be. However, I highly doubt I could ever pastor a church because I don't really think I could lead a flock in the right direction.

So, those are some of my fears and I really hope I will get to MNU (in less than a month) and realize that everything will be alright. But for now, I am really just afraid.

As for the moment, I am still inbetween the jump and where I'm landing, so we will see how things go.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Death and Dying

Did you know? The same enzymes that digest your food while you're alive will start eating your body once you're dead.

Do you think that is an uncomfortable fact? Why? Death is a part of life. Granted it is the end of life, but everything has an end. But let's fact it. We don't like talking about death. We don't like saying someone died. That is probably why there are more than 200 euphemisms for death.

If you are a "technical" writer, you might say that instead of someone dying, they were lost in translation or they collapsed their outline. Perhaps if you are a Julia Child fan, you could say that someone is pushing up parsley, they were put in the crisper, they are marinating in soil and worms, they are sampling the french onion soup with a salmonella soup, cooking for the Kennedy's, or you could simply say, "Just add maggots." If you are a writer, you could put it poetically by saying they made the big deadline or they went to the big spell checker in the sky. Trekkies might say they are sleeping with the Tribbles.

However, if you don't fit into any of those categories, don't worry. There is a lot you could say without ever uttering the word "die." People push up daisies, kick the bucket, go to meet their maker, rest in peace, are six feet under, cross over, cease to be, check out, depart, perish, croak, kick off more often than they just die. Being in Abraham’s bosom, sleeping the big sleep, having gone to one’s narrow bed, having gone to one’s reward, and having gone to feed the fishes are also something you could describe a dead person as well. Next time you want to point out that another bit the dust, remember that death doesn't have to be depressing. We don't need to sugarcoat death or dying, because there is hope.

One death. One resurrection. That is why we can have hope. Jesus died on the cross for our sins. What do we need to do? Repent and turn away from our sins. Jesus died on the cross for us so that even though we are dying, we can have hope.

Why am I talking about this? No, I am not just obsessed with death. I am just taking it to heart. Because I know that so often we just get caught up in living the day-to-day that we forget the big picture. We forget that someday we will die (that's right, die) and what will we have to show for our lives? Did we make an impact for Christ? I am not asking you to "leave a legacy," I am asking you to realize that you closer to your death now than you have ever been in your life because I want you to realize that every day is precious. Every day is an opportunity to share Christ's love. Share the hope that even though we are all born into the world dirty, rotten sinners, we don't have to have death be the end.

It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart. --Ecclesiastes 7:2

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

What I Have Been Doing Lately

I know that I have really been slacking when it comes to posting and I do apologize for that. So, here are some pictures to briefly show you what I have been up to. Of course, there are no pictures of me working, which is what I have been doing most of the time. But, when I haven't been working, I have been:

Turning 18:
Being in a wedding:
Going to Montana (with my youth group):
Celebrating Kyle's birthday:

Friday, July 17, 2009

Failure or ...Success

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Let it All Out

I remember reading a quote once that was like, "A boat is safe in the harbor, but that is not what it was made for." Same goes for me, I suppose, an Annie is safe at home, but that is not what she was made for. However, I cannot help but being stressed.

First off, I have a headache right now because I did a lot of crying today. I did a lot of crying today because I had to take my cat, Olive back to the vet. She got her back claws declawed and she also got spayed a week ago and she wasn't getting better. She wouldn't eat or walk around, she wouldn't do anything but sleep. She was in pain, so we had to take her back to the vets whose fault is probably is in the first place. She has an infection in her body and I don't think she is doing too good. The vet said that they would have to keep her overnight and probably for several days. Now, my family are animal people, when we get a pet, they become part of our family. It feels empty in the house without her. I cried so much because I blame myself and because I know how death works. I work in a nursing home. I know people get infections and sometimes they don't come out of them. I really hope you aren't one of those annoying people who think that it is pointless to pray for cat. I remember my old Sunday School teacher once saying how he liked teaching kids that were middle school aged instead of younger because the younger kids had prayer requests for the kitties all the time. Let me tell you that my cat is my baby. She came into our backyard with a broken leg and cracked pevis and we took her in. And she began part of our family. I don't want to lose part of my family.

I am going to try to stop thinking about my kitten now because it is making me want to cry again. And I have already cried off most of my mascara. I got new tires put on my car today (believe me, having to get new tires on my car was another stress all its own) and so my mom and I had to kill time in Wal-Mart so we bought some supplies for college which only made me realize that I need to prepare and make lists of what I need to take to college. Which really just makes me stressed out because I don't want to go to college. I don't want to leave, I don't want anything to change. We are having to make some changes at the nursing home in dietary because the driver (who takes the food from the nursing home to the other building where it is the assisted care facility) is probably going to want a job that is actually more than just two 1.5 hours split up through the day, so they want to supply the position with the people who are actually already working, which isn't something that I really find ideal, because I don't like change. So I went with the driver one day to learn how and the dietary head person asked me how I liked it and I said that I didn't think it was so bad, even though I didn't want to think it could work because I don't like change. She was like, "I expected the older morning ladies to say that, but not you." Which basically led to a conversation about how I don't like change, I don't rearrange me furniture and that I am scared to go off to college. Of course, I am very scared to go off to college. I am scared of change and I am scared of, well, a lot of things. Which is stressing me out.

I think that there was something else that I was going to talk about, but I don't actually remember. I am not even very sure that anything else that I have said has made sense. You see, this is why I don't like having a day off, because when I get a day off, I think. When I think, I stress out. And then I cry and get headaches and everything goes wrong. I just want my cat to be okay.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Death is not Dying

For those of you who know me, I am not one to shy away from talking about death. I work at the nursing home and find out another resident died very often. But more importantly, I know that we are all dying. This isn't bad news for me. Not that death makes me excited or dying is happy, but I know that death isn't the end. That is why I am not afraid or scared of death. When I die, I know that it will only get better.

I really encourage you to check this website out. Please watch the video, even though it is a long video, it is well worth your time. Here's a quote from Rachel Barkey:

“Cancer does not define me. Neither does being a wife or a mother. All these things are part of who I am but they do not define me. What defines me is my relationship with Jesus.”