Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Father

I was born on Father's Day. I told MJ this and she was like, "Oh, that must have been the nicest Father's Day gift." I smiled. Josh looked at me. He knows. I said to Josh, "Yeah, we are just going to overlook the fact that he left me [and my family]." I guess my father didn't really agree that I was the best Father's Day gift.

You know what, though? I don't know how okay I am with it, but it doesn't hurt me anymore to think about it. I know I probably talk about this a lot. But, it is something huge that happened in my life. I know the divorce rate in the United States is high, but when it happens to you, there's no books you can read, no advice you can hear that will prepare you or make you feel any better. I should like June, because my birthday is this month. However, when this month also being Father's Day (and even Father's Day being the day before my birthday), it isn't as enjoyable as it should be.

I have forgiven my father. I have moved on. He sometimes says "I love you" to me, but I don't say anything in return. I don't hate him or anything. I just think that if you love a person, you have to actually show them. Words don't mean much when there isn't action behind them. Of course, now realize how important it is that actions must back up the words that I say. Thanks for the lesson, Dad.

I am preaching my first Sunday morning service at my church (I preached a morning service in Oakes, too, but never a morning service here) on the 22nd of June. It's a good thing Pastor didn't ask me to speak on Father's Day, because I don't think I really have anything happy to say about Fathers. Ha, ha. Yeah, no one wants to hear what I would say for a Father's Day message. I would have to say how my father left me with trust issues and resentment for a long time. I have way less resentment, but still tons of trust issues. I find it hard to trust even people who I know are trustworthy.

Two years ago, around this time, I was going through a time of depression. I would cry a lot. I would just cry for no real reason. I would cry in Econo Foods when I saw a man whose leg cause him to walk with a limp. I know that I have grown in the past two years. I still don't think it is okay to cry, because my father and even my mother told me that you can only cry when you have a good reason. I am struggling to learn when it is okay to cry. I am struggling to learn that crying is ever okay.

I know I sound like rambling. This hasn't been a very good blog. But, I just wanted to get some thoughts out there.

1 comment:

vagabondrunn said...

I apologize if my consistant comments get annoying. I just feel compelled to follow your story and comment when lead(which has been often).

I'm reminded of James 4:9-10

9.Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10.Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

I just keep remember how God tells us throughout scripture that we should grieve. Not that we should hold on to it and let it own us, but that we should grieve, and we should do it well. It's a symbol to our true father that we are nothing without Him. Yet it's also a symbol of so much more.

Never have fear that it is not okay to cry. The reality is, if you feel like crying, you should cry, and anything less is not okay.

To me as I read your posts daily, I see this rawness in you that a lot of pastors do not have. Let me tell you a short story(sorry).

This past week I attended a church service at a church called MAC(Muncie Alliance Church). The pastor's name is Guy. No last name, just simply Guy. (comical I know) Anyhow, when he was on stage, there was a realness about him that I felt. It was a feeling that I hadn't felt before in church. He almost cursed a couple times because something made him angry. He was telling us how he screwed up during the week. He wasn't getting up on stage, telling us how we should be living our life and acting like he was living it. He got up on stage and said, listen, I mess up a lot, this is how God tells us to live. He admitted through his actions and words that he wasn't there, but invited all of us to join in together in seeking that life.

I just encourage you to be real. To continue to be raw. Seek truth. Where you find it, challenge it, and let it affirm itself. God will show you truth in all you do.

I'm sorry for the length of this comment, and maybe this should have been emailed, but I want you to know, that you are blessed, so grieve, mourn, wail, and then get up, and live a life that is raw and real, and God's favor will always be with you.

www.vagabondrunn.wordpress.com