Thursday, May 22, 2008

Honesty

"Here in the stillness
where thoughts are born
here in our frailty we're tattered and torn"
-Sara Groves, Honesty

There's something scary about not having a plan. Luckily, I have my schedule for next semester planned out and I know where I am going to college. I just have no idea what I am going to do for the summer. I am honestly stressing out about what I am going to do for a job. Living in a small town doesn't exactly offer many job opportunities. The past couple of days being stuck in the house without a purpose for being awake has been driving me crazy in the point where I am about to be shipped off to the loony bin. It's not like a don't have options, I just am waiting for more information. It's the waiting that is killing me. I don't have a plan right now and it is driving me insane.

Last night, I was really starting to think I was bipolar. I told Josh this and he said, "You could be." I was going back and forth from wanting to scream to wanting to cry within ten minute periods. I am not even sure why. Probably because I found out they weren't hiring anyone else at the nursing home. Or probably because I have no idea what is going to happen and I have no idea what I am going to do.

"here in the hallway
here behind doors
here in the places we wage our private wars"
-Sara Groves, Honesty

Since I am being honest here, we had an Africa meeting on Tuesday. We all gave our testimonies and I realized that I didn't need to type out my testimony because it is such a part of me that I couldn't possibly forget the gist of what happened. I realized something else, though. I was sitting looking around the room and knew that I didn't trust everyone there. I probably only trusted three people and even them not completely. I honestly believe that I have never learned to swim because I get to the point where the person teaching me is holding me up in the water trying to show me that I can float. They are like, "I am holding you, I won't let you fall." I don't believe it, so I have never even been able to float. I don't trust most people. I don't even think I trust anyone completely. I don't know how anyone trusts people. I have always had the mentality that people will always let you down. This isn't easy for me to admit. So many times I have just wanted to call someone and talk or vent, but I don't have anyone that I can just talk to. I don't have anyone that I can just be open with. I can talk to my mother, but I don't even tell her every single thing. I trust her the most, but there are times that I just want to talk to someone else. Everyone, though, is afraid of my tears. I cry a lot. I had been doing really good at not crying, but I guess since I cried so much during graduation, I have forgotten how to hold back the tears. I wanted to vent to someone on Wednesday night, but the only person I had to talk to was going to Indiana at midnight. The people I really wish I could talk to, I just tell them that I am fine. I am not fine. I am not even close to fine. I feel like I am falling apart and I have no idea what to do. It isn't going to be easy for me to push this publish post button. I am preaching Sunday night and I am going to preach something positive, but I don't feel very positive. I want to just break down, but I can't do that. I just don't know how much longer I can pretend like I am fine. But, then again, I don't want to be the person that is always having a problem, because most of the time, I have mostly everything together. I am just not fine right now.

2 comments:

vagabondrunn said...

I love the honesty in this post. Really.

I don't have time to fully comment right now, but I want to leave you with something until I get more time later this evening(which I will because my mind and heart were going crazy while reading this).

You said you were preaching this Sunday, and it was going to be "positive". Why? I am(a stranger) encouraging you to be real. Whatever that looks like. That's what you talk about.

I'm going to spend some time just interceding for you. However, regardless of anything that is going on, "...be of good faith."

vagabondrunn said...

Okay, sorry I didn't get back last night. I didn't arrive home until just before one.

Anyhow, everything you wrote about is something I know we've all felt before. It's something real and very true, yet we continue every day to keep it hid out of fear of either not trusting them or, you said it, fear that they'll think you're just "that girl" who is always messed up.

One thing I've learned as I grew up is how important it is to allow yourself to be vunerable and real. When you hold back and hide so well, it prevents the people around you to even having a clue that something is wrong. Since you can't share on your own due to trust issues, it makes your realness even more important. See, I hate sharing my struggles or problems with others, HATE IT. What I have to do is try to be vunerable in a sense where my close friends will know something is wrong. That allows them to react in a proactive way to loving me and asking me questions. Deep in our hearts we want to trust people. We really do. So when your best friends ask you deep questions on a consistant basis, you eventually have the "wall" broke down piece by piece. Which will create a sense of trust and an outlet for sharing.

I don't know you, or your life details, but I desperately want you to know the importance of vunerability and being real. I hope and I pray that your friends read your blog. For you.

Let me say this too, most of what I said, you already know, I would put money on it. Please don't think I'm assuming you're this dumb girl with no clue. What I do know is that no matter how much we know, we still need to be reminded of the things we know in our hearts. Affirmed. Held accountable.

I'm praying for you, take hope in the fact that God has placed these people in your life FOR you, to LOVE you, to CARE for you, to LISTEN to you.

Be blessed.

www.vagabondrunn.wordpress.com