Sunday, March 9, 2008

Good-byes, Phone Calls, and Revival

"Cause we're all guilty of the same things
We think the thoughts whether or not we see them through
And I know that I have been forgiven"
-Relient K, Forgiven

My body is telling me that it's still an hour earlier. Ah, blast you time change. Blast you Daylight Savings Time. Do you really save any daylight? Actually, I don't really care. The really only change will be that I won't want to wake up tomorrow morning. But that would probably be even if we didn't have a time change. Maybe the only real difference will be that my English professor won't comment on how much he loves the sun. Since at my 8:00 class that I have tomorrow (yes, spring break has ended), there won't be much sun right away.

I actually have a lot of thoughts in my head right now, but I don't know where to start talking, so I guess I will just ramble things until it seems long enough to be a post. Alright, sounds good.

I keep checking my phone, but I know you won't be texting me. (P.S. If you don't have texting/have never texted me before in your life, this isn't about you.) I said goodbye to you and I meant it. I know that you know that I meant it, too. It's hard to know if this is what is best or not. I keep trying to justify it, but then I try to stop thinking about it.

My dad called me twice this weekend, but I didn't answer it the first time because I was printing the newsletters and the second time I didn't hear it ring. But, actually, I just didn't want to talk to him. The only reason he called was because my mother told me to. She even gave him things to talk to me about. Is it really wrong for me not to want to talk to him even though I really know that he doesn't want to talk to me?

We are having revival at my church. The speaker is saying that altar should be the friendliest place. I don't see it. I am very afraid of the altar. Maybe I am just afraid of being vulnerable. I am not sure. I don't know if I can just take my problems to the altar and leave it there. This is another reason I don't know if I can be a pastor, pastors can't be afraid of the altar. They must embrace it. I don't know. I am sorry I am admitting this. I really should be keeping it to myself.

A friend of mine asked me tonight if I was alright. I am not sure what I said, but something along the line of don't I seem fine? And he said, "I read your blog." I apologize, I am really not like this much of mess. Alright, maybe I am, but I am not a basket case or anything. I am just trying this life thing. I know other people have it way worse than me. I am going to go think of all that I can be grateful for now or something.

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