Thursday, February 14, 2008

Valentine's, Fathers, and Doubt

"Mommy, where’s daddy?
Mommy, when’s daddy coming home?
...I got so many thoughts I don’t know what to say
...And I cried when I saw your photograph
Cuz I thought if you died then that’d be that’d be that"
-Paul Wright, Mommy, Where's Daddy?

Last night in youth group we talked about doubt. Doubt. We broke off into groups and answered some questions. Jeremy made me the leader of my group (which was weird because my group had two people older than me: Jenny and Steph; Erika was also in my group; it was a pretty good group).
Anyway, when it came time for me to share something that I had doubts about, I will be honest, it was hard to think of something. It always seems that somehow questions about anything bad or in the past involve my dad. I explained to my group and I was surprised I didn't cry, because I could very much so tell that I was about it. Okay, I will just be open about it on here, too. I read something a long while ago that was like Christian guys talking about what they wanted in their future wife. One guy said that he wouldn't marry someone unless she had a good relationship with her father. I became pretty upset. I believe I even cried a while. And for some time I really had doubts that I would be able to ever find a husband (not that I was looking, I am still too young, but you know what I mean) because I thought that every good Christian guy wouldn't want a girl who has a bad relationship with her father. I mean, I know that the divorce rate is high and odds of every Christian guy finding a girl who has a great relationship with her father or even having a great relationship with his own father is pretty a lot harder than it used to be. But I doubted so much. I had to come to a point where I had to realize that my future husband will love me for who I am, not who is my father or whether or not I get along with my father. I would like to think I am becoming stronger; I have forgiven my father. My relationship is by no means wonderful, or even slightly good. I don't believe that my father loves me, because I still think you can just say you love someone and then not have the actions to back that up. I hope that someday, when the timing is right, God will bring a godly man into my life that can still love me even though I don't have a good relationship with my father.
I'm sorry. That wasn't a very good Valentine's Day post. Oh well, I don't have a boyfriend, so I don't have to be all happy today. Actually, I am not in a bad mood or even ready to declare today Singles' Awareness Day because I am happy that couples have today. Someday I will be able to be excited about Valentine's Day. Probably not for a while, but I will enjoy it when it comes. I will be bowling on league tonight to celebrate. To celebrate my love for bowling, if you will. Ha, ha. Yep, that's me. Celebrating Valentine's Day with my love of bowling. I am such a dork. You should be so happy that I am your friend. Steph told us that they say kids who grow up hearing their parents fight have better imaginations. I think that's probably very true.

So, Happy Valentine's Day!