Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Off the Wall

This will be like thought vomit. Closely related to word vomit, but not, because you can't hear my voice and I am typing out all my thoughts. I apologize, that was very unladylike terminology. I have a lot slushing around inside my head and I just wanted to get some of it out.

I recently had a post about how I drive slow. I was just listening to my ipod and realized that usually I can still hear people talk to me while my headphones are in, because I really don't listen to music that loud. Which lead me to thinking that maybe I am like vanilla pudding. That is to say, safe. Earlier I mentioned pudding being my safe choice when I was talking about making decisions (also, more and more I am happy with my decision, this time I can say that truthfully, instead of before when I would have had to say I am getting better at convincing myself I made the right choice). Vanilla pudding is boring and safe. I realize that is probably me. I don't really take risks. I do a lot of stupid things, but I don't listen to my ipod too loud. I never really ran with scissors, even though I run through the hall with a piece of tape and paper, which ended up getting stuck to the wallpaper and ripping some wallpaper off the wall (but my brother didn't get blamed, though it was mainly his fault; I thought the baby of the family never got blamed, I always got blamed--but that's an entirely different story).

I am only sixteen. I have a whole life of mistakes to make. I mean, like, I think some things are the end of the world, but they are really not. I will get over it eventually. In the moment, I don't think things through as much as I should because I'm all like, "oh, seriousness...this is my life, blah, blah," whatever you get the point. I know nothing of love. I know nothing of real pain. I know nothing of the harshness that really exists. I think the world is as big as I am, but it's so much bigger. No duh, but sometimes I have this mind set that the world is much smaller. Like, other countries not having freezers... even though right now, outside is like a very cold freezer, but that's just North Dakota. I don't know. I have too many thoughts right now that I am surprise I'm not like jumping off the walls or something.

I don't believe in regrets, but there are so many people I wish I could go back in time and unhurt. Like I have this one person in mind, I still see him every month or so, but we are not nearly as good of friends as we used to be and it makes me really sad. I know he said that we don't have to talk as much as we used to in order to still be friends, but I know I hurt him and I know he's moved past it, but I wish I could have made different choices and go back and unhurt him. I feel horrible. It was a long time ago I know, but it doesn't matter. I was a jerk and I don't forgive myself for it. Now I'm crying.

I apologize so much. I cry so much. I hate it how every time I cry I remember the times both my parents told me to stop crying because it wasn't any reason to cry. I just want to cry, okay? I just want to cry and cry and cry. Thinking of how I can't save the world and I have no world vision. Thinking of April telling me about finding that cat frozen to death. Thinking about death. Thinking about hurt. Thinking about so many things. I should stop crying. This is no reason to cry. I'm too old to cry like this. When does the growing up happen? I just want to cry some more. I feel immature. I'm still crying. I know I can't quit. I know I won't quit. I know I don't quit. I am trying to be strong, but I'm not. I'm not at all. I know I need God. I know I need to give Him all these thoughts of mine. It's not easy letting go.

Sorry, that was off the wall kind of.

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